Lately I've decided I'm going to spend more time writing, sharing and expressing my mind, my heart and my voice of what I see, desire and envision for my life and the world around me. Today was an interesting day. I woke up and realized, I needed to share this page, I actually needed to "make it real", by getting it out there.
Yet in all actuality, I realize how much that it's really more about me "getting out there". I have this way of hiding in my life, I don't even do it consciously, I find subtle ways of doing it subconsciously, I have crated scenarios over time, to block me, to put blinders around me and prevent me from truly receiving what it is I really want, because I like many, "just want to be loved". And while, I've done a lot of work on my heart, to get me to the point I'm at right now, I never realized how long this path would be or how deep it ran inside of me. Inside of us all... and it does. The work will never stop. Life will keep going on, and another obstacle or hiccup will come along and that's the thing, you need to just keep carrying on, you can't always let those blocks be blocks, instead you have to learn to transform them into ideas for play, ideas for new experiences to flow your way.
You see, life is infinite and we can wake up each day with an entirely new reality to experience, a whole new world to exist within and a whole new set of rules for ourselves to "play in". And while most of my life, I've wanted that, something different, so different then what I once had, I've come to realize, right now, at this point, I'm looking for something that is consistent. I'm looking at my long game, versus just this moment, suddenly it's as if I've just come to realize, I never really did that. I never really had to, I was given such leeway. I was given such opportunity to do and be as I saw fit without putting much thought to it. Yet, things have changed. I mean, it's come a time, where I've realized, we need to look long term and short term, we need a balance of both, in all fields. All facets of our life.
And right now, I'm creating a whole new life, I mean, I left a career, I changed my mind, I decided I wanted something else for me instead. Something that offers me growth and a chance to build something bigger then myself, ultimately, eventually, with someone else, so to see me, my life, my will, my heart be planted, take root and expanded upon as it begins as a new level of experience.
Some may seek a child, some may seek a family, a husband, a new job, or career, new house or home, new location to experience, or a million other new beginnings possible in our reality, and to me, it seems to be, I want it all. I want more of all. Yet, in this moment, I'm actually unsure of it all. Because I realize, how little I need, to feel fulfilled in life.
But I wonder, do we ever really feel fulfilled in life? Because if we are here, doesn't that just then mean we want more from life?
And yea, right now, I want more from life and I've come to accept that as a good thing, vs it being some sort of negative. You're allow to ask for more, the universe wants you to have more, it wants you to explore more, it wants you to learn more, to love more and to feel more. Because it wants more, more data, more feedback, more ideas and experiences it can build off of.
There is nothing void from expanding, even the void is expansive.
While, yes, I have a vision, I have tools to direct my focus awareness and attention to create expansion, and I can see opportunities aligning for my reality, I've come to realize, I've done so much clearing, so to get such clarity, that there comes a point where I began to feel empty. That my slate is gone so blank, that I actually need to start adding to it, before I clear even having a slate. Although, lately, the only way I know how to do that, to see what I want manifest in the moment, is this, writing. And now it's come time for me to build upon it, grow it, nurture it and are for it, in a way that it fuels my experience and thus I use it frequently to draw in the next steps I need to take, so to make it across that ocean and onto the next beach.
You see, right now, everything else, but these words I write, feels so non-existant. I've been so still, so quiet, so alone (alone not lonely), looking so deep inside me, inside everything that I've ever experienced, I've dissected my life to pieces, that at some point, it comes time to re-form, re-frame and add new layers again.
Yet, for so long, I haven't known how without a partner, everything seems so big, so much, to take on, and if I'm honest, I always put so much pressure on me and others to make it so perfect, and I'm so over it. I mean I am just flooded with these ideas, these thoughts and these beliefs that anything is possible and when I see the good in someone, in something, I want to go big with it. I want to encourage it and bring it to life within an instant. Because it's possible, I know it. Although, that's not always what's needed.
Sometimes we need to take time with life, be patient with it, craft an image and allow it to blossom, as if guiding it, vs always needing to demand it to create something that may not be worth it. And if I really want something in life thats worth it, if I want a life well worth it, I'm gonna need to take time with it. To allow it's process of development.
So yea, lately, I've been wondering if my dream big mentality... if thats a positive or a negative, because I know at times that mentality can wear me down, yet the slowing down, its bores me now. I'm bored now, even if I'm being productive, I get bored, I like change, I like adventure, I like new experiences, its the process of unfolding new pictures. But you see, it's important, to start small, taking small steps, each moment, in each area of life. we don't always have to go big. Instead, now I'm focused on the whole, the all, of everything I want and more, yet taking my time with it, as best as I can, to see my dreams of building a new life experience, manifest now.
But truly what does that mean?
For me, that means no more hiding, more writing, more living and more loving, more speaking my mind, rather then avoiding it, more meditation, more silence, more loudness, more time to play outside, more sunlight, more dancing in the rain, more music, more rawness, more romance, more excitement. And yet, all at the same time, more acceptance, more appreciation, more gratitude for everything. I am where I am right now, and where I am, is ok.
While I'd prefer at moments, that I was living in the city, or had more access to my friends day to day, and yes, someone who would be there when I lay my head to sleep... where I'm at, just isn't there. So I'm learning how to live with where I am, and not judge it, because we really don't need any more judgement in life. it's time we all find ways to accept and love our lives, and then, in those moments of loving life, being grateful, that we can attract new life.
While I know I have my moments of doubt, I'm human, I still have doubt. I also know I'm building something, not just myself, I'm building my world, a business, a career, a future family and a life that will be here for years to come. I'm just used to seeing things happen so quickly, that, this whole being asked by the universe to slow down, be patient and allow time to pass and to trust that there is more then enough there, well, hasn't exactly been what I thought I'd manifest.
And yet it is. For some reason, something yet unknown to me, is asking of me, to be here now, and really look at my life and my experiences and my time, through the most positive lens, even when I feel frustrated with where I'm at, I'm being asked to see the beauty, I'm being asked to believe in possibility, I'm being asked to wait patiently while life finds it's alignment for me.
What alignment I wonder though, what am I really waiting for? What does my spirit really want me to see, or yield for? And how can I use this time and space to my highest benefit, beyond what I am already doing and creating, now here in this moment?
And as I end with this, for this moment, I allow those questions to seep into my consciousness, and see what manifests.
After all, I know I've created this. Whether known consciously or unconsciously, there is always a purpose. So I open my heart to it, so to see it's vision for me, manifest in my experience, as I co-create with all levels of my consciousness.