As I head to sleep, with a headache and pressure inside my brain, screaming for me to pay attention, I feel as if something or someone, must be trying to get my attention. No pill or essential oil, that would usually help the release me of such an experience, was doing any good. So, I lay there, devastated, beginning to dream up all kinds of visions, of what this could be and how is this happening... until a flash of inspiration has me sit up, and I sit up in meditation.
It's 3 AM.
As I sit the center of my window and bed, allowing the moon to shine in, gracing my head, I sit quietly, observing, breathing in and out, focusing solely on my breath, and the feelings of peace and love. As my mind wanders, I bring it back to center, releasing, the feeling of pain I was feeling, pouring love into my brain, every nook and crevasse, feeling into the presence of it. I see it light up and suddenly activate the cerebral cortex and then draw my focus into the pineal gland and the surrounding center focus of the brain. I notice, something ignite inside me and then there, before me stands a presence of a balanced energy, a calmness, an alertness, of someone sitting there, waiting.
As if they had been calling me, asking for me to awaken, to realize my destiny and to step into my center and core of being. I see them, and acknowledge their presence, their feeling, by sitting in gratitude, for them being there, and open to me, greeting them. At this moment, I haven't the slightest clue, if they appeared, because I called for them, or if they appeared, because they had been calling me.
The last few days, a stronger urge then I had ever felt before has been beckoning me, to find the master, I am here to learn under. A sensation of it being a man for some reason, a very wise, compassionate and caring sense. Someone seated at the top of a mountain, waiting, watching and assisting me through all I have been creating, unfolding and exploring. Sharing my gifts, with all who are ready and wiling, while learning to harness greater strength inside my being.
Knowing there is much more to come, much more for me to be learning and experiencing, I battle in my mind, if this is really what I am wanting.
You see, we won't ever meet our teachers in person, unless we are certain, that what we want, is in alignment with what is awaiting us. In order for us to find this, we must be willing and open to receive all of the lessons pouring out for us to capture and experience within our "little" worlds, before we can enter the "larger" worlds.
While I have seen and explored many massive leaps in my own consciousness, it isn't until I have accepted the belief system, that this life, truly is real, and that it is something for me to be experiencing, that I will be ready to receive the teachings I am meant to be receiving.
Doubt brings death.
It kills everything that there is to believe in. When you doubt, you allow yourself to forget, to disconnect and disbelieve in what you are experiencing, yet when you let go of doubt, you bring into perspective a readiness and a willingness to listen, to accept and receive the teachings of the masters.
What's powerful about this, is that as I know, you can project yourself out into a room or space, multiplying yourself so to assist multiple people, focusing in on multiple forms and experiences, on a variety of planes and fields of existence. Yet, even though I practice this, and explore this in my work, there is still a part of me that doubts it, that has fear around it, because I still have questions of "Am I worth it?" "Am I deserving of it" and when you question your worth, you step out of alignment from receiving the value in which you are destined to be receiving. So, as my teacher calls out to me, knowing, he or perhaps it is a she, from the other side of the world, I question, are they truly there calling out to me, am I actually able to live up too my destiny?
Even as I write that, any time a level of doubt pours in, it feels as if I'm being "pinged". My body wants to release every program and belief that doubts my ability to see, and explore what's out there awaiting me.
I have been learning that, since I was an infant, I have been being guided by very powerful, light beings. I have felt them since I was child, yet growing up in fear, because I was not raised to know or even understand, there was a possibility to be, anything more, then a human being. I was raised Catholic, and while the church can help some, it seemed to instill a fear inside of me, I questioned everything and no one ever seemed to want to answer me. They squashed my feelings, and I let go of my belief, and chose to accept, that Christ's story was just a story and that Holy Spirit, didn't truly exist.
Over time, as I learned of the depths of the story and started on my own journey, I found my own truths and my own spiritual mastery. I found myself sitting with Christ absorbing the consciousness, and understanding the pain and awareness it brings to wear a crown, to be one who feels everything, that everyone, is moving through. This stemmed from my self-exploration as I sat with an indigenous medicine, to understand what was happening, to understand why I was seeing things, I never had before and how to handle the voices that would arise in my head, so accurate to what would happen next. My teachers, speaking. Sharing wisdom.
So over the years, I finally met a teacher from another dimension that could teach me greater wisdom, and yet, still a presence of knowing I had much more learning to do as I venture off into new territory and choose to go exploring and expanding my presence of awareness, that there is a future of enlightenment growing, here on this planet and that we, the star seeds, the children of the light, the awakened ones have a mission, to express our truths of what it means, to live in the light of God, to live as One, connected to all.
Ayahuasca, was the first teacher I found "in physical form" from another world, someone or something outside of this realm of earth. She is extraordinary and powerful, a beautiful spirit of in nature, compassionate and caring. Yet I never understood why most of my work, and my ceremonies, to date, I have received very little vision or guidance being given, more of a sense of knowing, clearing and deep inner understanding happening. It's not to say I haven't had the visions appear, yet it seems to be much less over the years, then I imagined it would be. I know there is purpose for this, and over time, I will understand more of it. I mean, let's be honest, in the midst of everything I am moving through in this very moment, the amount of vision, flashes, travels and expressions of light that appear without, in front of my very eyes, I believe I'm seeing quite a lot already and I shouldn't care so much as to when it is happening. Because, it is happening.
Yet, why the yearn for seeing? Many believe seeing is believing, yet truthfully, you must be willing to believe before you can see and actually "hold on" to the presence of that being. For something to physically manifest in life, you must believe in it first, without a doubt, without wavering thought, you must be able to accept the truths of the wisdom that pours through you, so to offer you that new vision to view. So that as more awareness, perception and experience pours in, you can handle this, without fear of what will happen next. You begin to trust it, so you can explore more within.
This is the point I am at, learning to trust more of my new found gifts. So to expand their presence, starting from within. And there, then, I shall be able to meet, the physicality of those who beckon me, who call out to me as I sleep, so to teach me, everything that have to teach me. Knowing that the teaching they are already providing me, something I am practicing, daily, that even though they are not currently in my physicality, I am still learning and growing from their presence and the expressions of their truths, pouring through me, to bring deeper awareness to my fuller understanding of who I am, who we all are, as the souls, the spirits of God, I Am.
So I let go of my doubt, I surrender myself and I continue to, again and again. to dive deeper in, as I know, there never truly is an end. Only a chance to begin again.