It's 5 AM on Tuesday, and I've been moving through an internal process, so I feel it's time I share more about my progress. Recently, I found a large mass growing on my uterus. I never really thought I'd get "sick" again, I mean, I've been through so much already in life, I thought how could I? But that's the thing that can happen when you don't allow yourself to trust your intuition and suppress the messages that have been received, by the guidance you live by.
A few months back, well 6 to be exact, I started noticing major issues with my cycle, and my sacral chakra felt "out of whack", which made sense at the time, since for the last 3 years I've been clearing so much out of my energy body, that I honestly knew somehow it was the result of what work I had been doing. Yet, every time I went to the doctor, they told me "all was fine". Yet inside, I knew it wasn't, so I just trusted, that all would align. All I knew was that I needed to keep focused on clearing out the debris that was surfacing and blocking my channels of creation and creativity. Until recently, after a retreat working with Ayahuasca, I was being made aware of what was growing inside. That it had begun growing and it was becoming time to physically start clearing, that this part of me, want to show it self physically to me, so I could finally let go of what has been pent up inside of me. Yet funny, because it took me a while to process, 2 months to be exact, until I truly stepped into a more present being, that I could really take note of what was being shown to me each night I was sleeping and finally do something about it. Each night I fell asleep I would wake up to this intense pressure inside me, I could feel this mass moving as if I could feel it growing. So my guides were trying to show me something, and bring more awareness to my physical being, hinting at me to trust my inner being, to trust my intuition and the visions I've been seeing.
You see, your sacral chakra has to do with everything in terms of security, finances, ability to receive, creativity levels, your masculine / feminine balance, and relationships to others, to name a few, and over the last few years, I've been surfacing quite a few of these core issues. When I first chose to work with the medicine Ayahuasca, in Peru, my intentions were to clear out the anger in which I felt "ruled my life" and to find new ways to tap into my most divine gifts, plus an expanded presence of my creativity. Yet never did I realize, that it would take all this time (3 years since my first trip), to learn to integrate and uproot what was planted so deep within.
I had no idea that my feeling limited in creativity, actually had a deep root in the relationships to the company I kept in masculinity. In life, I always thrived when in the beginnings of relationships, I felt motivated by them, excited and it would allow me to open more creatively, yet as time progressed and relationships would shift, I grew an unseen and unrecognizable seed of anger inside me. Which started probably long before my "arriving". Most likely past lives or ancestral lines have had a play in what gifts I have carried in me. Yet, I'm honestly not even, at least at this moment going to process that part of me right now.
What I know is that as I asked for this lesson and blessing to be received, the medicine offered me a vision, to go back to the moment of my birth, and re-live it. Then as I progressed with my work, it opened me up to surface all the anger and resentment I suppressed inside of me, those feelings that "I had to give up my most prized gifts in life, just to 'live' ". Not to mention it showed me how I held these long standing ties to a perception of lack, with limits on receiving, both in clarity/insight to my inner guide (which some may call your inner child) and wealth and finances (my security). Which after many hard lessons, and many long nights with Ayahuasca, I discovered all have had such a profound connection to my creative vision and ability to self-express what I see and feel. Bringing to light what I know on the inside, outside.
So as I was given this gift as I'd like to call it, for a chance to move through such a deep process of clearing energy that's been "clogging up" my creativity channels, I realized I'd have to start sharing my findings, and I'd have to find a way that felt authentic to me. So I've been writing. A lot, yet, somehow I have still felt limited in ways, because I haven't truly found my process yet to "paint", so to be able to truly express the visions and feelings that pour through my heart/mind connection. The thing is, I've realized now, this is why I have always tied my creativity to relationships because I am fueled by love. When I meet and connect with others it opens me up, yet not always when I open my heart, am I met with the same amount of love in return, or in the same form for that matter. Often, specifically in romance, I began to notice a significant pattern to the ways of which I fall in love and how I am treated or feel I am treated by the reflections that show up.
Never did any relationship mean to hurt my heart, or make me feel any type of way consciously (I don't believe those I've met have been malicious in that way), in fact, each relationship I've had has helped me progress my being-ness in so many ways. That I am profoundly grateful for the lessons they've given. Yet, at the same time, I somehow never really learned how to express myself when I felt hurt or betrayed, I simply brushed it off, saying "I can handle it, I'm strong in that way". Yet over time, it ate me up, it made me doubt who I am and how significant I was. I mean it was as if I kept telling myself "If I could be hurt this profoundly by those I love the most in this world, then who am I to show up? Why don't I 'just give up'?" And that's a really hard lesson to keep feeling, to continue processing and expressing inside your mind for so long, without ever truly feeling I had a way to express that feeling without feeling depleted, or beaten. It's no wonder I lived with such deep layers of depression, and constant feelings of need for transformation (death). My soul was begging to awaken and to remember the core of me, love. To remember the depths of the unconditional, pure feeling one can produce and be sourced from within. Instead of trying to place this need for "validation" from the world's I live in. This is why to me I am so grateful for the medicine because it has helped me embody this form and feeling, reminding me the true source of my being.
Yet, it's only now, after all the work I've done on myself, (through day to day mindset creation, energetics / shamanic work and with the plant medicines), on my heart and strengthening my core, from the inside, that I have realized it can take a lot for someone to really express themselves and what lays deep within their heart. Especially to those you love and even to yourself. It is only through you finding love for yourself, without fear of judgment from others (and for me, it was especially tied to men and in particular lovers), that you can discover your greatest strengths and the deepest layers of who you are as a Creator and why you chose to be here on this planet.
What I'm beginning to uncover is that as you progress along your path, no matter the type of work you do, you may still arrive at moments you find 'sickness' arise and through those moments you are given a choice, whether or not you choose to look at it with open eyes and discover what lays inside. It is with my keen attention to the levels and layers on the inside, that I feel this mass will be benign, and most likely be a fibroid. Yet, these masses, from my understanding show up far too often, (3 out of 4 women) and most never get the answers they've been seeking, so they keep growing or returning. Now, I still have to go for an MRI and move through the process of (crossing fingers) having it removed, yet what I feel so deep inside my core as a message that's coming through for me today, is to trust your inner guide, to trust your intuition and to never give up, that even if your gifts, (your light or inner shine) is super hidden, the promise to yourself that you make to "keep going" even in the face of opposition, will be your greatest defense mechanism.
It is with your strength to stand up for what you believe in and express your feelings, to find the ways of which you can express your Creator being, that you can find your way along your life path / destiny line and be able to live out the soul purpose you came here to create.
For me, I find that along the path of the 7. This life path sets you off on a journey to discover your inner wisdom and seek deeper meaning / new perspective, to consistently be in a state of transformation and ability to be "re-birthed / re-invented". So in all ways, I choose to express that, over time I have come to find that both writing and "painting a picture" in some form that feels most free to me, is the path of my destiny and offers me heightened levels of creativity, and this is the path that will bring me to all the ways of which will offer me the opportunity to consistently live in my greatest joy.
So while it's really amazing to connect with others, I've come to discover, you truly can't find solace in another, you must find this within yourself first, at least that's one of the lessons I've come to learn for myself from discovering the depths of my internal growth.
What I certainly know, is I've still got a long way to go, I've learned a lot, seen some truly remarkable miracles take place, but what I have also understood is that no matter how "deep" you see, there is still a human form of me, that is susceptible to suppressed energies. So, what I chose to create, by entering this life, in this form, in this way, is to find the ways that feel most authentic to me, to dive deep and bring outside all the inner goodness of me.
It might be a long journey, but it is one I chose to create and for that, I am forever grateful.
So I'll leave you with this question, if you are someone who feels you have lived with some form of creative "suppression" and are willing to dig deeper into the root of that lesson, what are you willing to do today, to see a significant shift come your way?
Remember, you don't need to experience lessons manifest in such a way. This was simply something my soul chose to create.