Never really allowed myself to give love a chance. Every time I tried, I felt like I got the wind knocked out of me. Never fully allowed myself to be loved, fully, with trust that they would want me. All of me, my highs and my lows, my beauty and my defeat. I haven't dated in a few years actually, I gave up sex, as something just to numb my feelings with and chose to create something else with it. I stepped away from what felt like toxic relationships, because no one I loved ever really stuck by me the way I did with them, or so I thought I did. I gave my heart to others countless times, I loved to the moon and back. I let go of all of who I was, to find another half, seeking it in romance, thinking that is what would heal me. Remind me that I'm whole. Until this moment, when I now know, I don't need any other to fill my soul. I am, already whole.
Honestly, I've actually been on fewer dates than can fill my right hand. I'm not certain why that was exactly. However, anytime someone would get close, I'd find ways to shut them out. I seemed to run away any man, that ever got too close.
My heart feels so much, and at times I sensed a rush of love and excitement for what could be, as each man would enter my reality. They would fill me with the idea that they wanted to last, make plans for our future, but none would ever last. It was as if they would take me on the most unforgettable trip within my mind and they would treat me like a queen, yet that would always fade in time, they all seemed to find another so quickly, to wine and dine.
So I never really felt like I was enough, I allowed myself to feel, less than. It's taken some time, but over time I got fed up with how I treated myself and allowed myself to be treated by what I attracted into my life, so I wanted to gain that composure back, that freedom and sexiness and feeling worthwhile as a woman, for who I am, as I am, once again.
I was lonely and all I wanted was to be seen, so I treated my body horribly in every way I could. I allowed people to take advantage of who I was and the fact that I would give everything I had in order to "bless the other hand". I wanted my partner or lover or muse, whatever it was, to feel like a God. Like he had my whole world, yet I never felt as if that was returned. I was scared to give that to myself, scared that I wasn't good enough, or that I wouldn't be great enough or beautiful enough or deserving enough, to open myself up to Goddess that I am.
In honoring my process of my life, I am choosing to share these thoughts here, in hopes it'll offer insight to someone else going through something themselves, or perhaps just as a reminder down the road, of how far I've come along my road.
I had to take a step back my life and my energy in order for me to see how deserving I am, (of how deserving we all are) of everything we want and more. Understanding that I am becoming, a new human being and I what gifts I am receiving due to my energy clearing, my vision widening, and my heart opening, as the days, weeks, months and years unfold.
As I open myself up to love from another once again, I am allowed to be treated with respect and to be treated like the Goddess, I am. In order to offer myself this opportunity, I had to turn my thoughts around and see a new way, to allow myself to be more free with who I am and not feel regret for being sensitive or feeling because that's truly my greatest gift, and someday I will be honored for it. For those like me, who can see into someone's soul and see the light within, I send you encouragement.
You see it is not just with lovers, I see, I do this with everyone, and everything, I could always. I'm only now being okay with opening myself up to share these things, even if someone doesn't agree with me, I believe in authenticity. And with authenticity, this is the key to being free.
So many people forget that we are all human, (even if we are also star beings), we all have feelings and even though some feel them at different levels, it doesn't mean that they make anyone who feels or doesn't feel, any weaker or stronger then the other, they are merely just different perspectives. The fact, that we all carry these gifts, and either choose to or not to become aware of it, is only a choice you make, or I make, to experience life in a particular way.
One of the reasons why we don't always connect, as couples is because we in society, lack true communication of our inner most truths of "who I am", "how I feel" and then be able to share those expressions out. So many people don't want to "deal" with their feelings, as it was commonly taught, not to do so, especially for men, and I understand how that can be difficult, especially if someone you look up to as a child, tells you you're weak or annoying or too extra if you are actually open about how you are feeling.
Unfortunately, far too many people, don't want to admit they even have feelings. And sure that's ok, for some.... If that's all you ever want to be, but for a feeler like me, someone who can see the in between, means that we can feel more fully, everything, and when sending out a call for what you seek in another, it's important to ask, that what you seek is someone who can feel just as deep and can express this without being asked.
To me, communication is what makes something last.
So we need communication, we need people to actually share their emotion. Sure we can feel it and see it, yet when your practice with it, has lead to distortion and misunderstanding or mistrust of the reflection, it leaves us feeling uncertain and unsure. So we within ourselves have to look deeper within to trust again, in the feelings we have. Please know, this isn't a bash against anyone who has crossed my path, this is me simply sharing a realization that if I am to find love in a reflection of myself with a man, there are many things I have to learn to express and many things I have come to understand others will also need to live with, accept and love me for, for us to last. As I know I will have to with them.
If you are someone who hasn't quite found love yet, have been in a few too many relationships that left you feeling weak, or unsure, or doubting your beauty, or worth, remember that these are projections we create and nothing else or nothing more. We can change this, while it may take some time or work, trust the process, that it will always bring you what you want, and more.
You see, we manifest the way we are treated, we manifest what we want in a relationship and the vision of the partner we are seeking, we do so by sending out a call to the universe to ask for the reflections that will help us awaken. You can either do the bulk of your learning with yourself to see your wholeness or you can choose to express this learning process through the exploration with others.
If you want "true love", a love that will really stand up against the tests of time, you must be willing to communicate and express yourself, without regret and trust the universe to have your back. When you are free to be yourself, never in fear that you have to hold your heart back or speak less or feel less, or even be less, you will receive a relationship that is worth having. Offered to you in a way of which you will thrive in, so to amplify each other's visions and do great things with and for each other.
You will love each other's flaws and the beauties. Especially because you will be able to see the beauty within the flaws and learn to shift your perspective of them. Open and willing to lay your heart out there for yourself and another, trusting the other and trusting in yourself, that you can and will rise up and defy the odds. As you have found inside yourself, the "other half" as yourself first, seeing your wholeness, you attract this reflection, and as you do, that partner will arrive in your outer reality, as manifest.
For all the experiences and non-experiences I have had, I am so grateful for, because they actually show me exactly what I want, by being able to learn from what I don't and seeing the blessings of having gone through the loves that I have. Each person so significant to my past. Each person such a blessing to have had. And now, I know, I was just as much a blessing in their life, as they were in mine. For all the highs and the lows, I am so grateful, to know mine. To have found this love in me, that when we do meet, the future Mr and Mrs me, I know I will be offered a gift, that feels so heavenly. Because I gave myself time to see, I gave myself time to breathe and I gave myself time to sit with me. Learning to love me, all of what I have been told (by myself or other) to be flaws, are truly my greatest beauties. And I thank God, eternally, for giving me the everlasting beauty, I see.